The Thing About Time Travel
by werewolfatemyphoenix
Summary: The thing is time travel is like visiting Paris." The Doctor, Rose and Captain Jack visit Paris, ignore the guidebooks, throw themselves in, eat the food, use the wrong verbs get charged double and end up kissing complete strangers. Ninth Doctor/Rose/Jack


**A/N: **This is a challenge thingy devised by Stoned Lorikeet and myself, so enjoy.

"The thing is, Adam, time travel is like visiting Paris. You can't just read the guidebook; you've got to throw yourself in. Eat the food, use the wrong verbs, get charged double and end up kissing complete strangers- or is that just me??" (_The Long Game_)

Must include

-"I didn't expect a sort of Spanish inquisition"

-Martinis

-Jack must try to chat up what he thinks is an alien, but in reality is a lamppost

-Someone questions the Doctor's dancing prowess. Literal and metaphorical

-Someone questions whether Daleks are all gay (whilst drunk).

**Disclaimer:** I do not own The Doctor, Rose or Captain Jack (as much as I would like to own Captain Jack) they all belong to the BBC. I don't own Monty Python either. It belongs to John Cleese, Michael Palin, Eric Idle, Graham Chapman, Terry Jones and Terry Gilliam.

There was a bang and a puff of smoke from underneath the TARDIS console followed by a yelp. Rose sighed. The Doctor had been down there for twenty minutes, trying to fix who knows what, and if the increasing vulgarity of his choice of swearwords were an indication, whatever he was trying to fix didn't want to be fixed.

"Doctor, what the hell are you doing?" Rose finally asked, causing a dull thud as he sat up and hit his head on something, in turn causing him to swear again.

"I'm trying to fix the translation circuits, they keep translating everything into Welsh for some reason. Bloody stupid things" Then he reached up and grabbed his mallet, giving the troublesome circuits a few hits.

"Better?" Rose asked sarcastically

"Much better thank you for asking" the Doctor replied just as sarcastically.

It was at this moment that Jack chose to walk into the console room and ask, "Have you managed to fix the translation circuits yet Doctor?" This just earned him a glare from The Doctor.

The Doctor clambered up from under the console and replaced the grating. "So, don't know about you two, but I'm starving. Wanna go somewhere to eat?" The Doctor asked forgetting about the translation circuits.

"How about Paris?" Rose asked, "I went there once on a school trip, and we went to some really nice restaurants." Then she started giggling to herself, obviously reminiscing about something that had happened on the trip.

Jack started laughing to himself as well trying to imagine the mischief Rose could have gotten up to.

The Doctor was a bit unnerved by his companion's behaviour so he decided to ignore them by saying "Ok Paris it then" and went about setting the co-ordinates.

The TARDIS landed in Paris with a final grinding of its engines. Rose grabbed her jacket from where it was hanging on the railing and raced out the door with the other two closely behind her.

After wandering around the snow covered streets of Paris, with the occasional break for Rose to shove a handful of snow down the back of Jack's jumper, they had found a restaurant on a street corner called "Le Petite Escargot". Jack had doubled over in laughter until Rose informed him that "Escargot" was French for Snail and not what his dirty mind had thought it was. They had been shown to a table, where The Doctor and Jack had left it up to Rose to try and figure out what the waiter was saying to them, as she had learnt French at school when she was 16. The minor drawback with that was it had been about three years since she had left school and all she could remember was "Je ne suis pas une pamplemousse" or "I am not a grapefruit", which wasn't a very useful piece of information.

After about 10 minutes of Rose trying to figure out if he asking if she wanted a drink or some fish, another waiter came along who spoke English. When it had been established the waiter had been trying to ask what they would like to drink things went a lot smoother. Jack ordered a martini, downed it one go and promptly ordered another. The Doctor watched as Jack and Rose started a martini drinking competition and thought to himself that this was going to turn into an eventful night as he tucked into a plate of steak and chips.

Five Martinis Later

"Ya know what Doctor?" Jack asked. He seemed to be having trouble focusing on the Doctor.

"No Jack I don't know, but I have a feeling you're about to tell me" The Doctor sighed

"You're a rubbish dancer" Jack slurred "I mean, not just the feet stuff, but the meta foro thingy as well"

"You mean metaphorical?" The Doctor asked him. Jack had found it difficult to pronounce more than two syllables after his 6th drink. Rose had fallen asleep on the Doctor's shoulder after her 4th.

"Yeah that's the one" Jack enthusiastically "I mean you and Rose. You could dance with her when you wanted but you don't and ….is that a Dalek?" he asked getting sidetracked.

"No Jack, it's a pepper shaker just like last time."

"Oh. I've always thought the Daleks were gay anyways. Not that I believe in these peoples primitive stereotypes" he gestured to the bewildered people sitting on a table nearby "but I mean, they like to make a song and dance out of everything. I mean I wouldn't be surprised to find a Dalek at a poetry reading going" he adopted a monotone much unlike a Dalek, but was the best he could manage after 7 drinks "This one's called Daffodils. Exterminate Daffodils"

"Why would Daleks want to write poetry?" The Doctor enquired "After all they are trying to maintain the image of universal conquerors. They wouldn't want to damage their reputation by taking up poetry reading". Jack was offended by the Doctor's view of his comment

"I don't know why they would, but it just seems like something they would do in their spare time when not zapping people. Jeez, I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition". After Jack said this The Doctor leaned over in his seat so he could see the door. Jack watched him intently (or as intently as someone who is drunk can manage) for a few minutes. He turned in his seat to try and see what the Doctor was looking at. When he came to the conclusion that there was nothing there he asked the Doctor "What cha lookin' at?".

The Doctor turned back to Jack "I was waiting to see if Michael Palin would turn up in a red costume and say 'Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition'."

Jack just looked confused at this and decided it would hurt his head too much to try and think about it. Jack got up from his seat. "If you need me I'll be in the loo, don't wait up" he told the Doctor then weaved his way towards the toilets.

_Later that night_

Jack stumbled down the snowy street, swerving to avoid invisible obstacles, when he saw it. It was an alien. The most gorgeous alien he had ever seen. He/She/It was tall and skinny, and frankly one of the most moving sites Jack had ever seen. He waltzed over to it, or the closest thing he could manage after half a dozen martinis (at least he thought he had drunk half a dozen. He had lost count after his 5th drink) He flashed it his most charming smile and said in what he hoped was a suave and sophisticated tone "Captain Jack Harkness and who are you?"

It stayed silent. He took it in his stride. "Ok, so not much of a talker." In his drunken state he, for reasons known only to his drunk mind, decided to skip the small talk and plant a kiss on this alien oddity and see what happened. The first thing he noticed was He/She/It was extremely cold. The next thing he noticed was his tongue was now firmly stuck to whoever or whatever he had been attempting to chat up. He tried to pull it off, but it was firmly stuck. He tried to call out for help, but as he no longer had the use of his tongue he wasn't able to form coherent speech patterns. It also didn't help that his body was now 70% alcohol instead of 70% water.

The Doctor had been trying to wake up Rose when Jack left the restaurant claiming to be off to find a "dance partner". Rose had finally stirred muttering something about "Jack put your pants back on". The Doctor ignored this and lifted her up and put her arm around his shoulder.

"Come on Rose, let's get going before Jack gets himself into trouble"

They both stumbled out onto the street, The Doctor pulled out his sonic screwdriver with his free hand and used it to track Jack's vortex manipulator. It told him to go south. The Doctor continued down the street, trying to keep Rose upright and follow the signal to where Jack would be hopefully with pants still on. The sonic screwdriver started beeping, telling they were close. It beeped quicker until they got to a lamppost, where Jack was struggling to remove his frozen tongue from it. The Doctor sighed, but at the same time was grateful he still had his clothes on remembering the last time he and Rose had gone out drinking with the Captain. He put Rose on a bench where she promptly fell over sideways and went back to sleep. Choosing setting 42 on the sonic screwdriver he set about defrosting Jack's tongue from the pole. Jack came free from the lamp with all of his tongue still intact.

"Hey thanks Doctor, I love you, you're my best friend…" Jack rambled.

"Alright, shut it. Help me get Rose back to the TARDIS."

They both put one of Rose's arms around their shoulder, and headed to the TARDIS.

Rose woke up the next morning with a throbbing headache. She groaned and rolled over. The Doctor walked past her open door and peered in

"Look who's awake, how's your head this morning" He said very loudly. Rose just groaned again rolled away from him and stuck her head under her pillow. He

walked into her room and put something down on her bedside table. Then he picked up something, went into her bathroom. She heard him turn on the tap (surely it

wasn't usually that loud), them he came back and replaced whatever it was on the table. Then he left, his footsteps echoing down the corridor a lot louder than they

should. She pulled her head from under her pillow and turned to see what he had left on her bedside table. She saw a packet of headache tablets and a glass of

water. She immediately grabbed the packet, popping two pills from the foil casing and put them in her mouth and drank the whole glass of water in one go.

Jack was sitting at the kitchen table buttering a piece of toast when Rose stumbled in bleary eyed. She eyed Jack clearly annoyed by his pristine appearance and sat

down opposite him. "You drank about twice as much as I did, and you don't even have a hair out of place" she grumbled.

"I know how to hold my liquor." he teased "And those pills the Doctor gave me helped a bit. They'll kick in about" he looked at his wrist strap "now".

At that moment Rose's headache seemed to evaporate out of her head. "Wow" she said amazed, then helped herself to some of Jack's toast.


End file.
